Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
