I just made out with a guy for $7.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
