mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
