Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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