my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
