i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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