I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
