Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
