once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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