I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
