At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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