Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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