In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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