then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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