Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
