Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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