Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
