dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
