He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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