You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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