hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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