and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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