Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I am midnight drunk by noon
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
