life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
