I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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