I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
third nipple confirmed
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
