she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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