Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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