Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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