I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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