omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
