if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
