Your face is a jimmy john
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
