I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
