We need to start having sex underwater more often.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
