Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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