You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
