I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
