i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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