I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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