walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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