I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Randomize
