I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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