so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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