Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Text me some of your sweat
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
