When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
