Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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