Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
