Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
