There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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