wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
