I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
